Wonderful Electric
Ok, I'm listening to Goldfrapp's 'Strict Machine' so you'll have to bear the related title.
Emotions! I love them! It looks so dumb on a page, but it's so beautiful to be able to feel again! Experiencing things or just thinking of certain situations gives me now an emotional thrill. I'm reconnecting with my writing, and a big part of it comes from being able to feel.
I used to think that the whole "Commander Data gets emotions" line in Star Trek TNG was a dumb thing at the time and a sign of the show's decline, but I can really understand now what sie* was going through. Call it a late-realization TG moment. He looked positively womanish and silly when he had his emotional flashes and I remember resenting him for that. Before I realized my true nature I thought that well, I had nothing to do with being a man, being a woman was not an option (I didn't know you could) and I had a deep seated phobia implanted, so I'll be a nothing. No emotions, no nothing. Emotions=harm, emotions=being made fun of, emotions=feelings of not belonging, emotions=desiring to be a woman. Die emotions. Enter the void of stone and hatred of everything. Meeting my love brought incredible light to my soul and for a time I could continue and not abhor my life. But then that same light showed me things that had been hidden for a very long time, dark things. I chipped the dam a bit to see what was behind and there was no end to the flow.
As a child I positively wanted to be a girl. One of my favorite bedtime fantasies was being kidnapped and subjected to a strange procedure which magically turned me into a woman. How I resented life when I lost my child features and started getting rough and man-like in adolescence. I hated my face, always, but then I got used to it. I still hated it by default but I tried to put my mind elsewhere. I'd look at the mirror, have a brief sting of hatred, and then proceed lightly disheartened to brush my teeth. The human heart is very, very adaptable, and after repeated times of encountering a supposedly unsolvable situation where there is harm involved you just bury that part and keep going. I thought about suicide many times, but something kept me going that there would be a day when everything would be all right and I would see the cure for my internal bleeding.
*Neutral pronoun. Data was a male though, even had sex with Tasha Yar, and that was stupid. Why didn't they make him an androgyne or sexless? I can imagine Dr. Noonian Soong working on data's penis, yeah right.
Emotions! I love them! It looks so dumb on a page, but it's so beautiful to be able to feel again! Experiencing things or just thinking of certain situations gives me now an emotional thrill. I'm reconnecting with my writing, and a big part of it comes from being able to feel.
I used to think that the whole "Commander Data gets emotions" line in Star Trek TNG was a dumb thing at the time and a sign of the show's decline, but I can really understand now what sie* was going through. Call it a late-realization TG moment. He looked positively womanish and silly when he had his emotional flashes and I remember resenting him for that. Before I realized my true nature I thought that well, I had nothing to do with being a man, being a woman was not an option (I didn't know you could) and I had a deep seated phobia implanted, so I'll be a nothing. No emotions, no nothing. Emotions=harm, emotions=being made fun of, emotions=feelings of not belonging, emotions=desiring to be a woman. Die emotions. Enter the void of stone and hatred of everything. Meeting my love brought incredible light to my soul and for a time I could continue and not abhor my life. But then that same light showed me things that had been hidden for a very long time, dark things. I chipped the dam a bit to see what was behind and there was no end to the flow.
As a child I positively wanted to be a girl. One of my favorite bedtime fantasies was being kidnapped and subjected to a strange procedure which magically turned me into a woman. How I resented life when I lost my child features and started getting rough and man-like in adolescence. I hated my face, always, but then I got used to it. I still hated it by default but I tried to put my mind elsewhere. I'd look at the mirror, have a brief sting of hatred, and then proceed lightly disheartened to brush my teeth. The human heart is very, very adaptable, and after repeated times of encountering a supposedly unsolvable situation where there is harm involved you just bury that part and keep going. I thought about suicide many times, but something kept me going that there would be a day when everything would be all right and I would see the cure for my internal bleeding.
*Neutral pronoun. Data was a male though, even had sex with Tasha Yar, and that was stupid. Why didn't they make him an androgyne or sexless? I can imagine Dr. Noonian Soong working on data's penis, yeah right.
posted by V. at 9:38 AM
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