role models but mostly the future in the past

It used to be when I was a kid that I'd look up to this strange and wonderful world where everything found a spot, and rejoiced. People who were happy and successful in their lives were in my future, if not in my present, and I was to be like that. Later came some bruising truth, swooping down from the unknown heights unmerciful. I still saw those people and those happy places as something hard to reach, but I'd get there someday.
My total breakdown started around the end of my adolescence and just paused to gather its strength while I enjoyed loving my partner, though when it came, it was horrible. Years piled on years of frustration and incertitude, of sharp displacement and being lost, of disconnection with my family and the few friends I'd known, of silence; my whole life came down. I looked at the successful people and the happy places then and thought time had worn me too much for such beauty; my best option was to die and be done with it. I didn't kill myself not out of lack of courage (though the prospect scared me terribly), but because there was a deep bright flame inside me which inspired me to keep on, to walk past those feelings.
I was a kind of Major Tom, alone and cold in the silence of my tin can and with no way of getting anywhere, myself lost in the void with no stars.

David Bowie has some of the best and most beautiful songs for just about every feeling. This is Rock and Roll Suicide, but it could be just any suicide:

Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth
You pull on your finger, then another finger, then your cigarette
The wall-to-wall is calling, it lingers, then you forget
Ohhh, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide

You're too old to lose it, too young to choose it
And the clocks waits so patiently on your song
You walk past a cafe but you don't eat when you've lived too long
Oh, no, no, no, you're a rock 'n' roll suciide

Chev brakes are snarling as you stumble across the road
But the day breaks instead so you hurry home
Don't let the sun blast your shadow
Don't let the milk float ride your mind
They're so natural - religiously unkind



And the second part, the one you know is true but would like to believe anyway:


Oh no love! you're not alone
You're watching yourself but you're too unfair
You got your head all tangled up but if I could only make you care
Oh no love! you're not alone
No matter what or who you've been
No matter when or where you've seen
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain
I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain
You're not alone

Just turn on with me and you're not alone
Let's turn on with me and you're not alone
Let's turn on and be not alone
Gimme your hands cause you're wonderful
Gimme your hands cause you're wonderful
Oh gimme your hands.

Ain't it cute when someone calls you "love"? ;]