hi!/me/ft

I've been putting off this "comeback" post for so long it doesn't make sense.
Yes, I'm sort of here again :) Having gone through one of the worst depressions in my life, here I am again... I hope that for a long while (though with me regarding matters of constancy it's always hard to tell).

What's on my mind now? ummmmmmm Forefront in my mind for the past few days has been the announcement by one of the girls in my circle of friends to finally go FT. That is, Full Time, change name, change everything, live as a woman, the boy relegated to the shadow of the past and a few bodily scars.
I'm so happy for her; liberation from the chains of the given is what we all seek as TS girls/women and being ourselves unrestrained in the world at large is truly living for the first time. I wish her the very best in her journey ahead.
Another girl of my circle will be FT also in about a month, and then she'll be free to explore her life. She's getting facial surgery early next year too, and then bye bye to all passing concerns. With facial, wven if you do *tell* people you were not born a woman, their gut feeling will wrench them otherwise and your gender place in everyday life is secure. Isn't it nifty?

Now for the expected "but": I'm still the only one with transition plans sort of on hold. Like the last single girl in a group of friends where everyone desires fervently to be married, I can feel the tremors of spinsterdom, of being left behind and failure. More importantly, one begins to ponder on the why's and if still hopeful (like I am), the when's. If one is in total desperation (like I was), the "why me"'s and the "why she"'s take hold with an maddening iron grip.

Don't get me wrong, I have found genuine happiness in seeing my friends do well and for that little fact I am very grateful to HRT (hormone therapy) and self-discovery.
I am though a bit afraid about my future. I walk the path as fully as I can for now but the bi-gendered/nongendered experience of living is very, very trying. More so when you genuinely don't care for it and just want to make a clean crossing over to the other shore where your soul was born.

anyway, see you on the next post :)






A brief note on Full Time:
Of course, and this is for people who do not share the experience of being TS, FT is no bed of roses. After successfully becoming yourself legally, still jobs may very well not take you because of your transition history (which you have to disclose if you don't want to be an adult with no work experience) when you fill out the dreaded "Have you ever been known by any other name?" blank. Current name: Susan, formerly known as James. Also, if you're not a petite, pretty, outgoing, cool-as-a-cucumber femmy thing chances are you *will* be read (regarded as TS or worse, "man in a dress" comes to mind). That brings us to the problem of finding someone to be with during the pre-op state where your body is obviously defective for anything beyond kissing and caressing.
But do you want to know something? FT is the dream we yearn for. At least we TSs who have felt the wrongness of our given place for ever (me anyway). All the steps forward in this journey are such treasures and feel so *right* once we're there, FT with all its imperfections is a life of immense bliss. It's one of the things most dear to our hearts.