tummy tummy

Gosh... there's a bunch of posts i want to finish and publish but not today... no, not today... but they are good ideas! ....doesn't matter, tummy don't feel like writing :(

Chinese Vivi

My name in chinese. Courtesy of www.goodorient.com :) I wish I knew what those kanji meant though... If anyone has an idea, let me know :D 

Becoming

I know gender-wise, I am ready to transition to full time. Even to transition at work, I think I could muster the courage for the momentuous revelation. And yet, although I know I am ready to fully transition, I also know I am not.
Such is not a contradictory statement. I believe that I still have a lot to learn regarding self-confidence and stability as a woman, that if I did transition, I'd have a lot of pitfalls due to my lack of basic knowledge of not just female social interaction but social interaction period. The overwhelming presence of GID in my life was an unseen handicap which never allowed me to develop the way I should have. I want to be more myself before I go completely public, to find myself for real this time and not be a ghost with a walk-in part in the world, who only says hi and stays silent in conversations, terrified around people. I want to become the shining woman I always thought I should have been.
I mentioned yesterday I would like to experience being with a guy, dating, him holding me, kissing me, making love to me. But for any relationship to succeed in anyway (including my current one) I need to move forward as a woman and develop some substance to my being there. In other words, have my own real life without confusion; and I don't mean gender confusion, I mean natural confusion of the how's and where's of my future. I'm going to be me for me first, and then I'll go out into the world. I know I'll make a greater impression that way and be much more comfortable with my personal development. It was a mistake to put everyone's opinion before my own regarding matters of the soul and that's a mistake I will not make again.
I'm happy with the way I dress now, I think it's much more feminine in a real way. I am still more adventurous than conservative (guess it's my new teens), but the experiments look fine and feel fine.. I've been passing more than ever

Sometimes you want to go...

.. where everybody knows your na-ame, and they're always glad you ca-ame...

So goes the Cheers theme, and I think it might well apply for this Starbucks I'm frequenting now. Ok, I've only been here thrice, and I don't know if they are glad I came (they are nice though) but they sure know my name! Wow, and I only told them once what it was (the second time I came they didn't write any name on it). Still "Vivien" ;) I mean, I'm positive I'm read all over but at least I'm read as trans and not as a man (I hope). Reading yesterday an account of a FTM I find his words resonating strongly inside: he pondered that even if he was never seen as a man, he'd rather be regarded as a transsexual rather than a woman. This is so true you all not-GIDers! There's no connection really with our birth sex and the gender it brings along so we'd rather be regarded as "something else" or "trying" hard than, in his case "woman" and in mine "man". I understand the mechanics of gender nowadays much more than I did before. When I was younger I couldn't believe there were people happy with their assigned gender, it was like an impossibility for me. Thus, even though I was forced to live there, I went off in tangents everytime I could. Anything else was better than that because, honestly, I could never at heart enjoy male gender expression.
Today, after reading the chapter on telling your family in "True Selves", I was pondering the value and consequences of telling my own. It's not something I'd do for them really, I'm still very touchy about our mutual past, but I think I've noted before that ever since I acknowledged gid within me I've begun to make peace with everything in my life. I've escaped so much from everything (mostly justifiably), family, future, friends, town, my life was little more than retreat after retreat from everything I could be or have. I now know why I resisted development in my life, and why everything felt so very wrong. Truly, beyond all medical definitions or nomenclature controversies there is nothing like transitioning to be one once and for all, not some waste sliming along the years and only getting older. I was thinking to myself yesterday how much more I smile now and how petty stuff remains petty stuff for me. It used to be anything could cause a landslide within and destroy my mood for the day, or days even.
I used to have certain pictures to describe myself. When my preteens came and the grip of social rules had just started to take hold I saw myself as various masked heroes of my own creation. There was this one who was always tortured and died tragically in the aid of his friends, and was never forgotten even though in life people didn't care much for him. There was, most remarkably and daring for my level of repression even at that time, a shadow being who everyone assumed to be male (because of the menacing way it looked, sort of like a japanese samurai helmet with horns and a flowing black cape for everything else, red slit eyes) but was instead revealed to be a girl.
It's interesting... it seems that I find more hidden clues everyday within my past that point to my GID. Before, they pointed to nothing really, they were regarded as flukes by my mind which would NOT admit maybe I wanted to be a girl instead of a boy.
Later in life and with adolescence raging (and my drawing abilities not improving.. bwaaaaaa!) my self picture changed to that of a hardened warrior who everyone feared/respected but that had no friends. No one knew him, he was really the embodiment of a mistery. Obviously fatally tainted, but still a performing tool. Or later, when I learned from it, that of the poisoned dragon with all its majesty unjustly and cowardly subdued. This is not something I am inferring now, this is real me from back then, I was intelligent enough to know the interpretations. Really, I felt I had no aim in life, nothing pleased me, social relationships seldom worked.
Then came the image of the captain, the submarine captain who dived with his crew (he wasn't really "he" or "she", it didn't have a face) under the polar ice and mapped the unfathomable depths. There came a time (around 17) when I realized I didn't know what was wrong with me, but it was very wrong and the only way to change that or at least find out was for the captain to dive deeper and deeper into the black, frozen waters. And the ice water here is very symbolic really, for I am very sensitive to cold and am terribly afraid freezing to death. The only way out was in, there was no escape. I knew what I had to do... and eventually did it. It just took me years of silent reflection, this time aimed at untangling the mess inside.
Meanwhile and for the years between ages 20 and 23 I untied a very very old gag and acknowledged I saw myself as a sort of ugly butch lesbian who was condemned to be like that all of her life.
I was coming back to work today from lunch at noon and it came to me that the captain had indeed walked its path successfully, it had awakened the lost atlantis at the bottom and lighted the waters.
She's sort of retired now, the captain I mean, and hangs around offering her wisdom (yes, she turned out to be a she) to the new explorers. Her sub which brought me back to reality still inspires me to go farther and be more.

Tat!

I've always wanted to get a tattoo but could never identify enough with anything much in my "former" life to actually get done. Well, there were a bunch of things but they weren't as aesthetically pleasing as the one I'm thinking about getting. I've been wanting to get this for years but in a male it would have looked awkward (but daring)
My first tat! I'm now trying to find out prices, how soon I get it highly depends on that really, I'm not afraid. It's not going to be too big, about 4x4-5 inches, and in the small of the back. What it is.. I won't tell you yet, but I promise to post a picture when I get it! Hope it's not too costly, the b. shadow removal comes first really.... I have so many things I'd like to get and do and enjoy, I sure wouldn't be bored if I had money! :D

My first 110 pulls!

Someone else besides me and a couple others must be reading this blog... 110 pulls only in the last week! Well, to everyone who does read, thank you and I hope you can find some value in my own experiences to enrich your life! :-D

walking out

I went to Starbucks yesterday again. This time to read "True Selves" and not in a skirt and heels but combat pants, keds and a tank top. I feel much much more confident now than I used to then (a little over a month ago, remember that long post?) and only now do I feel I don't look un-feminine without obvious clothing or accesory cues. Getting more and more used to just be me has helped bunches, I just mostly don't interact as male anymore. If boy stealth is needed I just go more neutral, but never into male territory; it's becoming more and more difficult every day anyway, progressively less natural transition follows.
My next steps in coming out involve attending some class (presumably language, I so want to go back to learn languages) and taking a part-time job, both as a girl of course, how else? :) I've been thinking of waiting tables, but I'd rather work at a store counter. Walking out of my place with a reasonable chance to pass will be a reality after I start treatment on my facial shadow. The greasy covers just don't do it for me, not only they are disgusting to wear but dark shows all over anyway so it's not really a solution. That's the reason I want to wait on the laser to start venturing out farther, since with a beard shadow it's only a matter of minutes until I'm read and my confidence drops to minus one. I know I've been mentioning this subject on almost every post for some time, but it is of paramount importance to my actual stage. Now I'm overall much more feminine than male so the aforementioned handicap destroys a whole lot of achievements when interacting with someone.
I do know that after I solve this problem more will crop up, and my horizon will shift farther, but it will be a different game. I can still be read due to other factors, jaw, adam's apple, general size of my body, etc. But all of them, excluding the adam's apple, could be present in a big girl such as me. Beard is totally alien.
Oh yes... I'm sure I'll want a tracheal shave too, and a bilateral orchiectomy to kill all androgens. But they will be goals in a path of overall happiness, I know. Back when I started all this my attitude was very much like the Depeche Mode song that goes "Whatever I've done/beats staring down the barrel of a gun". I had reached a point where I could not go on living as a male anymore, it was like breathing poison. I either opened myself to the possibilities of exploring a transgender identity or some form of death. I have said it before: even though I wasn't ready for suicide (hope always got the best of me), I did wish to die and fade away and honestly couldn't see myself past age 25-27; I felt so terribly old all through my early twenties. I'm going to say it all over again but now the future is there and has me as me not some construct someone placed over my head when I was a child. Now I believe.
That is why I need to step out of my social cave and forge myself in the world. Because that's who I am and how I am going to develop my real self. Truly? I tremble at the thought of doing things like working as me, interviewing as TG, befriending other girls, going out with a guy, him kissing me, having sex with him... these are all things I know are essential to my own flavor of TG experience and which will prepare me to become the woman I never grew up to be. I know I will do these things, it's just a matter of when and where and who. This time I not only believe I can but I know I'm becoming the person who can.

Love,
Vivi

lunch time!

I guess there's just too many things you squeeze into your lunch hour. Like me now, I want to write a post, order meds and... eat without choking! I need to leave about 10 to 1 though, and it's alreay 12:25!
Anyway!
I've been very pensive these couple of days regarding my teens. They are a troubled era of my life and I feel only now I have the tools and emotional strength to analize it and draw the right conclusions. The mysteries have been clearing, memories that were lost have been returning to harbor, and peace begins to settle over the land as a blanket of light.
The song "Ugly" by the Smashing Pumpkins is a great example of how I felt during those days:

i don't look in the mirror
i don't like what i see staring back at me
everything is clearer
i'll never see what you see
it's not me
so beautiful and free
i'll never be what you need
can't help at all
i was born so beautiful
but now i'm ugly

and i rot in my skin
as a piece of me dies everyday
i know i'm nothing
i know there's nothing i can say
to change
the judgment in their ways
i'll never be what you need
can't help at all
my love was so beautiful
but now i'm ugly
yeah...

i'm good enough, but i don't care
i'm good enough, but i'm not there
i'm good enough, but i don't care
the sun is out, but i'm not there

(i can go anywhere) i'm good enough, but i don't care (...somewhere)
(i can go anywhere) the sun is out, but i'm not there (...somewhere)
(i can go anywhere) i'm good enough (...somewhere)
(i can go anywhere) i'm good enough (...somewhere)


((c) Smashing Pumpkins)

It hits so many right notes I'd be inclined to ask Billy how he felt when he was a teen and if there's nothing unresolved stowed away somewhere. But now he's thrown himself so much into religion, "filling the God hole", that I don't know, in his posts at BillyCorgan.com he sounds very much zealoty. So different from the artist he used to be. But... I'll have my say over Billy Corgan, the Pumpkins and how they influenced my life later.
Speaking of singers and rock and roll, I'd die to have a voice like The Cranberries' Dolores O'Riordan! I was listening to that old song "Dreams" in the car and I myself dreamed of having that range and richness of sound. Of note, anyway, is that my own range has expanded considerably. I've always liked the Cranberries and Dreams is a personal favorite, so I've been singing it to myself for a while: never did it sound as good as today! My voice is now not only higher in pitch but also populated with more feminine inflexions and resonance.
Something funny and voice-related happened today at work. My boss told me to order so me stuff for him so I went ahead and called a couple of vendors for prices. I was doing a fem voice, but not the full fem I do when I'm on my own (I was at work after all and someone could walk in and hear me) but nevertheless I went ahead. Two funny things happened actually. The first one was a telephone operator who stopped short of calling me sir, like "yes, s.. right away!" On the second call I thought I sucked because the guy over the line was giving me the cold shoulder (what hetero guys do when they think you're gay) and then we went through with it and hung up. My boss came up later and said the guy had called him back regarding an address (I left my boss' name [dumb, but I hate to relate my fem voice to my boy name]) and he said about an order a lady had just placed. :)))) He looked puzzled, and I shook my head, made a "really? how terrible" gesture and changed the subject. I could see my boss wanted to know more but he was at a loss for words. Whew! OK, time go rush back to work! I also want to go to Ulta and buy me a nice brush set for my makeup but that will happen after I come home and "dress properly" ;)

into feminine beauty

This is a post draft from 8/16... guess I forgot to publish it :)

Even though I don't think much of myself looks wise (due to deep rooted feelings of inadequacy coming from way back), I am slowly coming to appreciate my feminine beauty. You see, I had no idea of what to look for, I know I'm tall, have large feet and adam's apple. But I'm not an XYU (XY Unpassable), and I think with time, mones and proper feminine grooming I'll end up looking way more like an XY (AIS) woman than a man. I'll never be petite cute as I would 've liked, but I won't be a tired old mask of masculinity. Just another girl :)
What do I think of beauty? Beauty is very important to me as a woman (I strive for it), but it's not the most important thing at all. If I could pass all the time and be regarded as a woman always, even as a not very pretty woman... I'm ok. As long as I can live and thrive in my life from this side of the bridge, it works for me. I'm now at the point where I pass from, say, 10 feet and that's very relieving. My SO and I went to the food court of a mall the other day (crowded) and I don't recall any disgusted looks. Going out a couple of women looked at me in a puzzled way, but I'm sure that's because I am still dealing with facial shadow and in me it begins to show a couple of hours after I put on makeup... you guessed, it's a bitch. Even after these almost 5 months HRT. With laser starting still a distant two months away, I'm putting off things like going into the women's restroom. I have done so in the past a few times with no problems, but there could be some paranoid lady trying to make a statement about TG women so for now I hold it until I get home. I don't go to men's restrooms anymore as you might have guessed; for a while at first I did, I was doing more androgynous at the time and I hadn't begun HRT so I could pass as a fem (gay, thought of as) guy, which I wasn't, but I was still holding up the male flag. Now I dress very femininely and going to the men's is out of the question. Several reasons why:
1) I don't feel like a man at all. I do have to go to the men's at work but it's disgusting and I try to avoid it.
2) Why bring maleness upon myself? The last times I went androgynous to the men's I got puzzled looks from the guys and it didn't feel ok anymore.
3) I don't want to be thought of as some kind of weirdo, I want to be regarded as a woman. I quit a martial arts class I was having twice a week because of that. Since I obviously had to use the male change room, everyone was getting increasingly nervous about my gender status. I didn't get naked there or even remotely (I just put on my gi jacket) but the changes brought on by HRT were becoming very patent (boobies!) and to tell you the truth, my male image was wavering a lot. I didn't want it anymore, so I rebelled against being grouped with the guys
4) It's just not right, however, my facial shadow still prevents me from going to the girl's when I need to. Not only because of freaked out old ladies but my own self-confidence. I've noted that when I lose confidence in myself I retreat into the male cowl of old which I still haven't gotten rid of. I'd love to be able to, in a "social danger" situation, react completely as a woman.

Bra sizes

The bra sizer at the Ladies' Home Journal gives me a 36B bra size.... flattering, but not really
Ann's Bra Shop gives me instead a 36A. That's more like it.
The Bravo Sizer says I'm a 38A which is both right and wrong. I can wear a 36 bra comfortably in the middle hook and a 38 feels a little loose (though I've never tried a 38A, only a 38C I used to stuff).
My measurements are something like this nowadays:

over bust= 34
bust= 36.5
under bust= 34
waist= 29 (I lost an inch from my last measurement!)
weight= 155 (holding steady for about 2 1/2 weeks!)

Voice

My voice has slacked off a little bit I think. On the one hand I can now whip up a very femmy sounding voice without much effort, but it still lacks the defining power of passing. Maybe it's just me... I haven't been using it much on the phone lately and the only one I've been doing is the toned-down version of r/l without much self confidence (lower, a bit nasal, fakey).
One of my goals in this part of my development is to work up my voice from the resonating rich male I do sometimes to something much higher. As long as I talk male (ho-ho), i'll pass as a guy. This has proven somewhat hard for me, as in my work environment I'm expected to be male my stupid male-male voice comes out sometimes and ruins feminine perceptions of me.
Another thing...I'm very impatient to get my beard lasered off..... I wonder if I'll pass as female in boy mode when I do. I know right now my facial shadow is my single most defining male characteristic and it makes everything else look bad. I have dark dark hair on white skin so you guess its visibility is 100% in guy mode and.... much more of what I'd like in fem mode... something like 60% I'd say. Sadly, by itself the stupid shadow has me read as male over all the other good feminine qualities I've accumulated.
Jeez... can't wait for my maleness to get out of my body.... does that say anything about me? :)

GoToMyHRT

This is my DIY HRT as of today:

400 mg Spirotone (Spironolactone)
6mg Estrofem (17-b Estradiol)
100mg Prometrium (Progesterone)
5mg Fincar (Finasteride)


For what I've read around it may be a little high and in fact for the last week I'd reduced to 4mg Estrofem and 300 mg Spiro, but then I started to get more body hair and some acne so I've gone back to the high dose.
After I got my stint with herbals for about 2-3 months, my doses were something like this (I based my regimen off the Transgendercare website):

4 mg Estrofem
200 mg Spiro

I tried it kind of slowly for a couple of months, then added the 5 mg finasteride. After I was comfortable with that I tried Provera and... bam! Instant depression! Headaches 5 minutes after taking the pill! Needless to say, I dumped it. I tried it again with a divided dose and it was the same, only a little milder (but still bothersome).
I'm almost 5 months now into HRT and just a couple of weeks ago I added Prometrium to the mix. Changes have been good and stabe, though now I feel I've stalled a little. Hmmm.... Got to work this out some way... You see, I believe that I have a high testo operation going on in my body and that that is the main culprit. I'd dearly love to get SRS or at least an orchi in the near future, T is the enemy inside.

Passing and not passing

I've been a bit crazed about the idea of passing this last week and like all high emotional states, it's crashed today. All in all it wasn't like a nosedive into the desert type of crash but more of a jungle crash landing. The good news: the crew was saved. I think I have to contend with the fact that I don't pass as nearly as much as I'd like to... yet. The future will be better. I carefully avoided letting feelings of the "I'm so horrid" and "I'm so mannish I'll never pass" type settle in my mind ane become minefields. One thing the hormones have given me is emotional amplitude so now I just let that kind of stuff dilute away in my expanded emotions.
I hope I can hold this state of mind when I step out of my door, but I think I'm not going to *try HARD* to pass... I'll kind of let it flow and find my own way to things. I have the feeling I'll pick up better observations (and confidence) this way than the high-strung one I'm doing now.

Sugar is bad for your HRT...

... but cheesecake tastes so GOOD! My gosh I just love it! 48g of sugar per slice but wha the heck...
Anyway, my little break is over. I'd been more lenient about the stuff I was eating because (trumpets!) I reached my target weight of 155 lbs. about two weeks ago! I've even gone to 153, which makes it about 50 pounds lost since I started! My little respite from diet is over though, especially sugary stuff as it interferes with HRT by killing estrogen.
Oh yes... fruit makes a wonderful dessert... :P

Ohh, interesting news: I'm preparing my first ever "coming out" email. It's for a friend who I never see in r/l (he lives in my hometown of Distant, Neverbebackalia) but with whom I've just restarted corresponding and with whom I want to be straight about my gender situation.

the pic II

I have decided to pull my pic off this blog for the time being. At least until I can be "out" everywhere. btw, I'm not getting divorced, hiding from estranged children or psycho relatives, just so you know ;)

mom

My mother and I are very far away, both geographically and spiritually. Ours is a story of mishappenings and misunderstandings, of chances lost and love that went down the drain. We talk now, not much, but we do. A change from the years I wouldn't talk to her. She calls me "dear son", but she is not to blame for that really, she doesn't know her "son" was always a fiction, a cosmic joke. I have toyed with the idea lately of sending her "the email" with all the details. I don't even know how to word it, the concept is so alien to her mind, she'd freak for sure. And if it's like I think, that she suspected of my gender stuff, even worse; she fought it, I know she did, she always preferred boys over girls. This would be not only strange but (maybe) some kind of defeat for her, which in a way I now come to realize would be good. I had to "defeat" her in lots of things to gain her respect. Maybe this is the last big barrier between us.
A point I think I should make sure of driving home is the sheer force of my transsexuality and it's far-reaching consequences in my life, that I'm a woman inside (and gradually becoming one outside), not a man who likes to dress. In fact, if I'm to send her any picture of me without a big poncho I should begin to tell her of my hrt and most importantly, of the why's of it.
This transition of mine is slowly bringing me out of the emotional dark I suffered for so many years, all the rancors I collected like leeches on my skin. My mother did a lot of wrong to me, as did my two fathers (my mother's husband and my bio father), but lately I've been sorting out my feelings and even though I still am right in holding them responsible for the things they did, I don't want any more hatred in my life. I want to look towards the future and not the darkened past. If I could just tell them of myself and they understood, everything would be archived for good. We start over, but knowing about each other. Bittersweet miracle, huh?
My baby sister is pregnant. A little girl. It makes me so giddy and, honestly, a little sad; that's the way I should have been born, my starting point. But also I'm so happy for her since family is so important for her well-being... now she's got her own. I won't go over my own feelings for motherhood now, ok? ;) Also, I would love to tell her of another girl, this one late in coming. Oh... ok, i'm so obvious... :*)

What do you think? I bought it last weekend at the Guess store. I think it's classy and cool at the same time. I'm just dying to wear it! :D 

si es cuestion de confesar...

These days have been kind of crazy and emotionally draining for me. Transition means a lot of changes in very little time which makes for high-strung emotions. Add to that 3 days without Spiro (dumb me missed the order date) and you've got something nasty.
Today it's Monday when the weekend is over and I need to go back to work. It feels so strange doing the male thing again... It's like coming back from a faraway land and finding you don't relate to your surroundings anymore. It's been happening every Monday for about a month, the inescapable feeling that presenting as male is more than a remote idea now for me. During the weekends I couldn't be happier, doing new things, exploring myself, eradicating fear and just plain being. Monday (I don't care about you) comes and I'm in for small depressions and feelings of worthlessness. Depressions, I should report, are definitely not nearly as strong as the deep, all-encompassing funks I used to be before HRT. Going to work is terrible. Not because of the work itself which I've learned to accept for the time being even if it's not what I'd rather be doing, but because of my presentation issue. I'm not fat now (even though I gained 5 pounds in the last week which puts me in 160 ) but my work clothes are so oversized I look like I'm a shapeless thing 20 pounds fatter. I don't get to decide what to wear, being I have to don the company uniform. The size is horrible but I really don't have a choice; my breasts are now very close to full A's and they show under everything. They got so pointy and noticeable people were staring perplexed at my chest. And the thing really is that it doesn't bother me so much that people will take me for transgendered, it's that at work I'm without any makeup, with the baggy clothes, the horrible beard shadow (and my face has become much more feminized now so the beard shadow looks weird), no feminine accessories and my hair more fem than anything else.
I hope I don't freak out every one reading this blog... the one in the pic is really me and I don't have that much makeup on! It's just that I feel the me I present at work is like a ragged, dirty version of what I really am. Well... I'd say people at work are onto me anyway. I know they think I'm some kind of queer thing (and since they know I'm with a GG, even queerer), and I'm almost positive someone's seen me dressed and told everybody. They are very respectful and keep their distance though which sometimes leads me to the belief that if I was more confident and more out at the same time they wouldn't bother. Self-Confidence.... the culprit of most of my life's problems. I'm actually a pretty courageous girl really but courage is one thing and self-confidence another for me. Actually my courage is what has kept me alive throughout the darkest times of my life. I'm working on my self confidence.... and I have to say there's a little progress, nothing to write home about but for me a step ahead is a step ahead. It feels very good.

Last weekend my SO and I went shopping for clothes together. We spent a wonderful day together looking at (and getting!) stuff. My confidence started low in the morning but quickly became high. I passed a lot there, I need to tell you. And when I didn't pass and people read me as Trans, they were generally very nice. A lady at a store kept calling me "lady", "ma'am" and "she" repeatedly to her daughters. Her mother even told me a certain top would look beautiful on me. It was beautiful but I was so shocked! For a moment I didn't know what to do... I was being regarded as a woman! It's so much easier when people are reading you as female to keep up your face, your demeanor or your voice. There was even an instance where at the Gap there was a queue for the changing room on the ladies' side and a clerk told everyone there was another one on the other side of the store. As I walked into it I realised it was the mens! The woman there was kind of shocked, she could really not place me as male even though my barging into the mens' changing room made her notice my male characteristics and (I guess) the thin beard shadow under my makeup. She was visibly shocked at first but then (after I came out of the changing room, i did use if after all) was cooler and distant, like "You can't fool me, I won't treat you like a woman". But she was the only one, and only because of my dumb mistake. All others I met were real nice and I even sensed something I've only felt for a short time: girl-girl connection with other women. It still catches me off-guard most of the times but I'm learning how to promote it. That's something that's beginning to fascinate me now, how with enough confidence I can be an active woman and not just a calendar girl.
I'm going to sleep now, I've been staying up too many days in a row :) I still have a lot of stuff to write about but that's for tomorrow.


By the way, I hope you liked the picture I posted. It was about time you people got a glimpse of the the goddess herself... :P

I am not gay

I'm not gay. If I look fem, if I act fem in this awful stupid gross male drab it's because I have no choice but to wear it. If it was for me I'd be wearing a skirt or a dress or girl pants or a nice shirt. I am not freakin' gay. I am TRANS ok? It's cool being gay, but it would imply that I'm a man in some way which I AM NOT. I'm not gay, you. Gay is a guy who likes other guys. I am a woman and from that I spring.

the state of passing now (& more)

I've been meaning to write a post regarding what's currently boiling in my mind but I didn't get beyond news about my life and some commentary. Transition continues and I'm just who I am, I'm not explaining myself to anyone, this is me: deal with it. Current song paralell: "You gotta walk through hell/Scream you're not around". Surprisingly I'm beginning to pass a whole lot if I don't interact with people, then they know. It's something you can feel in those around you. When I was more apparently male I used to cause a stir everywhere I went and even though I was never afraid to contradict people's tastes it got bothersome. People just HAD to show their disgust. Guys would look down on me and women would have contempt.
Now it's different, women mostly don't bother having me around most of the time, they've even addressed me as an equal in casual chit-chat more than a few times which has made me awfully happy (bats lashes). Everyone is confused with my gender, but guys are the most clueless. They realise that at this stage of my transition it's ok for them to check me out as they would a non apparently trans woman but upon learning I'm "one of those", they mostly look away. When I'm doing the guy drab they obviously know something is not right, but ignore it (Sometimes. When I began to feminise my mannerisms for good an acquaintance guy that I saw 3 or 4 times before and during that time and with whom I had a nice rapport distanced himself from me and never called again. Be afraid, be very afraid)
I've been yanking myself out of the shell these days. I'm already living 3/4 time so going to the store and everything is becoming more and more routine. I do well with "hello-thank you" social contact. Socializing is still a big no-no for me though. I don't know if it's a) I have no imagination. Conversation stumps me. b) Socializing kills all my confidence and I'm too self-conscious for even babbling. c) I haven't found interesting people or people I feel comfortable with.
My bet is on b and c. When I do hit my stride with someone, I rarely lose it and I've been getiing better and better as my self-confidence improves. I think I need less patience from others to come out of the shell than I used to. I've been thinking seriously about getting therapy for those issues but the cost is prohibitive: $120 a session? Yeah, sure. I can buy meds for roughly a month. I don't have much of a problem with gender issues now really (just the usual), I'm pretty sure what I am/want to be and don't need a lot of help there. The self-confidence issue is queen.
Though... I wonder.... if both problems are intertwined and lack of self esteem and self confidence is caused by the gender thing, then I'll have to go for it too. Hmm