compliments

Compliments are like a hot potato for me, whenever someone hands me one I get all nervous and restless, sweating in my mind until I can find a way to deflect it or destroy it.

Someone will say: "Your hair looks beautiful today" and I'll say "Thanks" and smile a bit ruefully hoping to end the whole episode and thinking to myself things like "She's/He's just being nice" or "Well they had to say something to make me feel welcome". Or if I do believe for a split second my hair does look good today I'll find a mirror and look at it enough so I can say to myself "I don't know what they see, it's horrible". I've found that these kind of emotional responses (whoee.. feeling, my social bane) dramatically reduce the odds that I will be getting another compliment in the future. Only when people persevere, undeterred by my shrugging off the compliment or downright attack of it, do they give me a boost in self-confidence (very diminished by the circumstances though).

Case in point:
There's no picture of myself that I truly like. In times of self-confidence high I might have one or two, but mostly I just hate myself in pictures; and the hatred seems to be as high as my eagerness or how much I'd love to be social or look good in pictures.

I emailed some pictures to a friend who was complimenting me on how I looked here, how I looked there, my hair, my smile, blah blah blah. I sincerely couldn't believe it, there was no emotional response for her compliments, empty. On the other hand I did have some heavy hatred for several things about myself in those pics: my bone structure, the look of my eyes, my skin problems, etc., etc. etc.
Finally, I got to beat down the compliments and made her "admit" that this and that looked terrible, and when someone who had previously complimented me formulates some kind of criticism of me it's my reason to say "Aha! THIS is what you truly think!" and dismiss all future compliments. It's like I'm trying to convince everyone NOT to compliment me in the future. Strangely, if someone would only criticize me and never praise me I'd make it a personal battle and be resilient to all negative comment, and by opposition think that indeed my hair looks terrific if ze had expressed hirself to the contrary.

Yes, it sucks being me sometimes, but it's my own doing. For example, I don't think I look particularly fem. I mean, I do (what would be the point if I didn't at least a bit)but not in the realm of passing. Others differ, and sometimes I get to see that they might be right: whenever I pass (a compliment on my femininity really) I get nervous and somehow give them reason to doubt me.

These days I've been down, and all these thoughts have come to the surface. There's so much work to be done on the inside! It seems like where I care I'm naturally the stark opposite of what I'd want to be.

Money

I need to:
-Stop moaning and get better at the job I have now (it's a man's job, but what the hell). It pays my bills and whatever transition I've done.
-Get another job. I have absolutely no idea what I could do, but I think I will soon. I don't know if it pays so much to get a job kind of like McDonald's for example but as a last resort I'd take it. Waitressing would be fun but not before I kill this beard shadow, it's not only a self-confidence weight but also a liability, I need to pass. I don't know who would take TG waitresses anyway, because I don't pass all the time.

My cons (depressants)

-My job is on the low end of pay (better than the scraping-the-bottom jobs but kind of limited financially nonetheless)
-x
-I don't have any relations which could help me. Everyone I know is poor but decent like me (without the decent).
-I have a rock bottom self esteem, looow. It is definitely improving but most hurdles seem still too high to even think of going over them. Therapy would help.
-I can't afford therapy, it's too expensive to pay ca. $160 meds a month and $60-$120 therapy sessions.

My pros (I'm feeling better already)

-I am not unattractive, I'm slim and tall (6 1/2, 155 lbs) and hormones are delivering very good feminization. I have a 36A bust and a much more curvy body than before. I do have a kind of "distinct" beauty which people may like or not, but I am definitely not stranded in the looks department :) Last time I went to do my hair the stylist asked me if I was a model. WHOOOEEE!!
-I'm 25 (26 in october!), still a somewhat "young" transitioner with most of her life in the future.
-I have an endless well of contempt for the morons' opinions and space, so I'll dress and act the way I goddamn want when I goddamn want so to speak. Ok not at work.
-I am corageous, I'll jump into something new fairly easily, it's keeping up what I find an uphill battle. So after some tossing and turning I'd brave the elements and go get a job as a girl, something that is still quite a test for me.

Depression sets in

I've been reading the DubyaSpeak site so please don't-- if I don't make sense, which is what they say where I come from, she's a good person anyway, if they doesn't make sense, let them be, for they are the salt of the earth, see. The speech pattern of our fabulous president are incredible sticky.


My meds reserve has been dwindling these last days and will soon be out completely if Inhouse doesn't deliver today or tomorrow. I ran out of progesterone three days ago, I had already cut down the spiro dose and estrofem disappeared yesterday. This is the first time that this happens, they have always been very reliable, always delivering within seven days. Past times like these (never this bad) have been solely my fault, but I ordered ahead this time. Now I'm just running on hopes.
I feel the effects of the hormonal change already. My head is getting more foggy and I've been feeling steadily discouraged about myself. Not only that, I was feeling pretty motivated the days prior about everything and very happy; now the whole world can crumble down, I don't care (no food in any quantity tastes good these days, my weight holds at 155 mostly or swings between 153 and 156 depending on how much I eat). I'm also more clumsy, and since I am also a bit clumsy by nature I'm getting the distinct feeling of becoming more stupid. When the body speaks, all else is hollow...
It's official... I'll never ever tell anyone again when I'm going to get my shadow lasered off. My SO had an accident last week and the car was totaled (She's OK, she walked out with just some abrasions for which I'm very very relieved) so now we have to look for a new car and lots of other side expenses. I guess it could have been much worse, but I'm still bitter about the fact that twice already I've built up my hopes to get laser only to be crushed by some out-of-the-blue expense.
These last few days I also took the Myers-Briggs test at Bloginality.com several times and found I'm an INTP, the Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving. Reading the descriptions with my SO I had to agree it fits me right down to a T. Even when I have absolutely no ability or taste for math or physics, I always thought that I could have been a theoretical physicist if I didn't have to learn Physics :/
I'm going to my support meeting today... I hope I do okay. Being a m2f INTP is no joke, INTP is naturally the antithesis of gregarious feminine behaviour, devoid of self-confidence, small-talk abilities and appeal. Speaking of appeal, is it just me being depressive or I look way better in pictures where you can't see my eyes? I don't know, it's like their look is repealing.
There... I'm depressed again.