Just be...
...whatever I can. This non-existance is not worth prolonging. It won't happen in the next five years: get over it. Not as a reprimand, but as a thought worth considering. Options are depleted for now: I depleted them. I have done everything I can. Like hormonal changes, it is just incertitude and time. That's all there is for now. Incertitude and time. Hitting my head against the wall won't move the granite wall, only make me more bloody. I'll have to wait for another chance and take it.
Just be as me as much as I can. I know these empty words will mean NOTHING by the time of my next depression, but I need to contend with the fact that I am going to be adressed by my boy name, that I will have to work as a guy, that people are going to treat me as a freak.
There will be happiness too, but everything related to transition as a process will be downright depressing. Ok, I'm sure my hormonal changes will still delight me and make me smile, like other nice things in my life (which I will list in a future post) and that I acknowledge exist.
It feels bad. I entered transition not with a timetable (since I knew this day could eventually come) but with lots of hope and wishes for the future. I still have hope, but it's been *greatly* diminished, a mere fraction of what it used to be. My wishes are in cold storage. Keeping all that up has been a tremendous effort which I can't muster anymore.
So, something should come up. I guess. In the meantime I'll see what I do with my life. I can still play PS2 (hehe), that is a relief. I'd been thinking about taking singing classes or a language course but I guess not. Not for now. At least not while I cringe every time someone "he"'s me. Besides, even if I got myself to do it I'll be under such mental pressure it's not worth it: people I don't know, being looked at in that strange way, etc, etc. Not worth it.
Just that.
Just be as me as much as I can. I know these empty words will mean NOTHING by the time of my next depression, but I need to contend with the fact that I am going to be adressed by my boy name, that I will have to work as a guy, that people are going to treat me as a freak.
There will be happiness too, but everything related to transition as a process will be downright depressing. Ok, I'm sure my hormonal changes will still delight me and make me smile, like other nice things in my life (which I will list in a future post) and that I acknowledge exist.
It feels bad. I entered transition not with a timetable (since I knew this day could eventually come) but with lots of hope and wishes for the future. I still have hope, but it's been *greatly* diminished, a mere fraction of what it used to be. My wishes are in cold storage. Keeping all that up has been a tremendous effort which I can't muster anymore.
So, something should come up. I guess. In the meantime I'll see what I do with my life. I can still play PS2 (hehe), that is a relief. I'd been thinking about taking singing classes or a language course but I guess not. Not for now. At least not while I cringe every time someone "he"'s me. Besides, even if I got myself to do it I'll be under such mental pressure it's not worth it: people I don't know, being looked at in that strange way, etc, etc. Not worth it.
Just that.
posted by V. at 3:30 PM
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