*sigh* These past few days I'd been reading someone's diary who seemed in a similar rut as mine: longing for FT and GRS but with not much hope (still, she had lots more possibilities). I also could relate to her observations and feelings a lot.
Poking around her website I learned she had GRS not long ago and I only read up to the moment when she comes upon some money and starts on the path to surgery.
That's it. I couldn't read any more. Transition is for everyone some kind of path that leads them as far as they want to go. There's pain along the way, but all those willing transition in a few years. Not for me.
On the internet there's a website that's big with TS people, a young girl's diary that relates her transition from nothing to FFS and GRS. Everyone always refers to it as "inspiring", for me it's downright depressing.

So anyway...
I've come to the conclusion that even if I could go FT and all, I don't think I could: I don't have any money or a big CV or a good job (read: good paying) where I could transition. My actual job is the antithesis of that.
I should get off my ass and find some new job where I can get better paid... but I cringe at the thought of yet again having to prop up as if he existed at all.
When my first big problem is cleared (I *pray* for that to happen) I'll still won't be able to go FT, but that is small potatoes, really. Being poor is nothing compared to the other thing.

I'm afraid my transition could never happen or that it could come much later in life. My instincts tell me I *will* be suffering this same thing for years to come. How many? 5? 10? 5 seems solid, but 10 seems excessive. Some kind of solution should pop up before then. 8 looks good.

Who'll believe my psychic proddings anyway? I wish they told me I was to transition fully during next year, GRS and all (I'm not asking for much, am I?). And then they would come true!

Sure.

Suure.